How Do I Stop Being the ‘Therapist’ Friend?

Megan Mulroy, LPC 

If you work in a helping profession, chances are that you enjoy being of service to others and probably like helping your friends. You might play the role of “mom,” “dad,” or even “therapist” in your friend group, frequently being the first person they call when they need to vent. If you have made a career out of this very special skill, like a nurse/doctor, teacher, social worker, or therapist, there might also be a good chance that it’s hard for you to set boundaries when you see a friend struggle. Strong friendships are built on mutual respect and the ability to support one another through both good times and bad.

But it is important to notice when you start feeling burnt out by a friend’s emotional dumping or you feel exhausted by their emotional needs. Do you feel the support flows only one way? Are you left emotionally exhausted after spending time with them? Do they become upset when you don’t give them the ‘right’ advice? Reflecting on these questions can help you decide whether it’s time to set boundaries with your friends and loved ones. Here are some practical tips for taking care of yourself and establishing limits:

Help Yourself First: A classic example- putting on your oxygen mask before your kids’ will help both of you in the long run. You will only be emotionally available if you’ve given yourself enough time and compassion to take care of yourself. If a friend begins to vent intensely and you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for a few minutes, hours, or even days to recharge. Identify what you need and give it to yourself before giving too much of your energy to a friend.

Set Expectations: When a friend starts to vent, ask them, “Do you need me to listen, or to help you problem solve?” As helping professionals, it is natural for us to want to start processing the complexities of the situation. In reality, a friend often just wants you to listen or help them come up with some solutions to a problem. Remind yourself that you’re not at work; you don’t need to identify behavioral patterns or interpret complex emotions in this setting.

Help Them Seek Professional Help: If you find it increasingly difficult to leave your “helping hat” at home and your friend’s issues go beyond your capacity, try gently suggesting, “I wonder what a counselor might say,” or “When I was in a similar situation, my therapist really helped me out.” You can even be more direct in setting a boundary of, “I really care about you and want you to get the help you need, but this is really out of my wheelhouse as your friend. I can find you some referrals for a therapist if you’d like.”

Remember Your Worth: It is so easy for helping professionals to get caught up in the idea that our self-worth is tied up in our ability to help others. In healthy friendships, you are valued and appreciated for who you are, not for how much emotional labor you provide.

Talk to Your Counselor: There may be underlying reasons why you often feel compelled to care for and help others. Speaking with a therapist can help you understand the patterns behind this behavior and develop healthier boundaries. If you don’t yet have a counselor to work with, contact Symmetry Counseling today to meet with one of our counselors who can help you.

Recognize Your Emotional Limits

Even the most caring individuals have boundaries, and recognizing them is key to maintaining healthy friendships. Take note of situations where you feel drained or anxious after conversations with friends. Journaling your feelings or tracking your energy levels can help you identify patterns. For example, if you notice that certain topics consistently leave you feeling tense or upset, it may be a sign that you need to redirect those conversations or step back when necessary. Recognizing these limits isn’t selfish, it’s a way to preserve your emotional well-being while still being supportive.

Communicate Boundaries Clearly

Once you know your limits, it’s important to communicate them openly. You don’t need to explain yourself at length; a simple statement such as, “I really care about you, but I need to take a short break to recharge” can make a huge difference. Using “I” statements helps keep the focus on your needs rather than implying your friend is doing something wrong. This kind of communication reinforces mutual respect in your friendships and prevents resentment from building over time.

Encourage Independence

Part of stepping back from the “therapist” role is helping your friends develop their own coping skills. Instead of immediately offering solutions, ask questions that guide them to reflect and find answers themselves. For example, you might say, “What do you think would help in this situation?” or “Have you tried any strategies before that worked?”

Encouraging independence empowers your friends to handle challenges on their own and reduces the pressure on you to always be the problem-solver. By recognizing your limits, communicating boundaries, and fostering independence, you can maintain supportive friendships without compromising your own emotional health.

Take the first step in protecting your emotional well-being. Schedule a session with a counselor at Symmetry Counseling to learn how to set healthy boundaries in your friendships.