4 Tips to Support A Spouse Having Depression

Steven Losardo, MFT

Watching a partner struggle with depression can feel like a heavy burden, especially when witnessing their symptoms firsthand. At the same time, it can be challenging for a spouse to know how to help. The good news is that there can be several ways to be supportive when depression shows up. This blog will review four ways to support a partner in a committed relationship who has depression or low mood.

How you view “The Depression” matters

It’s important to remember that depression is a diagnosis of the mood, not of the person. Your spouse does not equal depression, they are experiencing it. They may feel low, withdrawn, or show other depressive symptoms. By changing the way that you label the disorder, you will subsequently change the way you approach your spouse as your view of their behavior shifts to seeing the symptoms and the person separately (Whisman, 2012; Barnett, 2007).

This approach helps you distinguish between actual depression symptoms and behaviors that may simply be unusual for your partner. It’s common for spouses who are noticing the disorder in their spouse for the first time (Whisman, 2012).

Talking about the distinction between the disorder and the person, either with your spouse or around them, can encourage them to start seeing it that way themselves. This will help them identify their own behaviors and make changes to fight the symptoms going forward. One way to do this is when referring to your partner’s issue is to say “THE DEPRESSION” instead of things like “you are depressed.”

Being educated on the disorder can prepare you for what may come

If your spouse informs you that they have a history of depression and that the disorder may recur at some point, that is your cue to research the disorder. The more you know about depression, the better prepared you’ll be to recognize early symptoms in your spouse. Spotting these signs early increases your ability to respond effectively and offer support.

For example, Gottman (2008) notes that depression is particularly common among new or expecting mothers due to hormonal changes and the challenges of entering a new stage of life. Knowing ahead of time that depression may occur can help you put a plan in place to help if/when help is deemed necessary.

Highlight the things they are doing that challenge the depressive episode

Many people who experience depression have a difficult time doing things that are productive or make them happy. If you notice your spouse has started doing something they used to enjoy or is doing something productive like cleaning, reading, or even showering, gently point those things out. Gottman (2008) emphasizes that you should avoid directly mentioning their depression when highlighting these actions. Instead, focus on expressing that it’s positive to see them doing these things.

Another important practice is to actively notice positive behaviors and acknowledge them verbally.

Practicing positive thinking and journaling about your partner, yourself, and your relationship can make a meaningful difference. Even if you don’t immediately see results, these habits benefit both you and your spouse. Much like when the depression starts, initially, the positive results can be unseen.

First…Take care of yourself

Barnett et al. (2007) highlights the vital role of self-care in maintaining psychological well-being. You are no good to your spouse if you are not taking care of yourself. As the spouse of someone with depression, you have the ability to help them cope and work through depressive episodes as you are likely to be with them more than anyone else. However, in order to be able to notice depression symptoms, address them, and help your partner work through them, you need to be practicing self-care. There are many ways to care for yourself, and the methods you choose should be relaxing, mood-boosting, and mentally refreshing. Taking care of yourself allows you to show up as your best self for both yourself and your spouse.

Being married to someone with depression can feel overwhelming, especially if you have never dealt with the disorder personally or through someone you know. It can seem worse when having a parent with depression while growing up, and now a partner is in a similar situation. It is important to remember that there is no need to feel guilty for not knowing how to help or helping and perhaps making it worse. If past family experiences start influencing current challenges, seeking professional guidance can be highly beneficial.

Ultimately, managing depression is the responsibility of the person experiencing it, but as a partner, you can play a meaningful role in their support system. The first steps include being positive, supportive, patient, communicating well, and understanding THE DEPRESSION. Not to be understated, those steps include taking care of oneself first.

Supporting a spouse through depression can feel overwhelming, but small, consistent steps make a difference. Start today by learning more about THE DEPRESSION, practicing self-care, and noticing the positive actions your partner takes. If you’re struggling or unsure how to help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance.