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Joining finances with another person is a very intimate process, and many partners are unprepared for this transition following marriage. Money is one of the most frequent categories of couple conflict and also one of the most detrimental, tending to last longer and be experienced more harshly than other types of conflict. This is an unfortunate pattern given that discussions of money are inevitable in relationships, and they cannot be avoided or subverted forever. Our financial beliefs…
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Therapists talk a lot about the importance of open communication to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship. One of the most common negative communication styles that can constrain a relationship is passive-aggression. Passive-aggression is the indirect expression of negative feelings. It is often a coping mechanism for feeling powerless or ashamed, and it is rarely a conscious choice to behave negatively.
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We are entering that time of year where couples start to make plans for how they will spend the holidays, and this can spark conflict between partners. Depending on the length of the relationship, emotional ties to the holidays, and location of family, partners can find themselves with vastly different expectations and desires for how to spend time together over the holidays. Newlyweds may be struck with how difficult it is to navigate this time of year…
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A significant part of couple therapy involves improving self-awareness. Because you cannot fix a problem until you are aware of its source, it is important to understand what drives you so you can better control your subconscious impulses. For example, people develop survival strategies during interpersonal conflict in an effort to protect oneself from a perceived threat. Common survival strategies include defensiveness, withdrawal, or counterattack. Partners are often unaware of these impulses in the moment and naturally…
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In any relationship, there will be a struggle for power – an innate drive to assess and understand the dynamic of the relationship. Who is in charge? Can I trust this person as my leader? Is this person trying to challenge my authority? Such thoughts are often subconscious, occurring beneath the surface and completely hidden from view during the fantastic rush of a new romantic relationship. But inevitably, aspects of the power struggle will surface, whether directly…
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Every couple will be faced with the challenge of forgiveness. Many times, forgiveness will be required for small conflicts, such as forgetting to start the dishwasher or booking the wrong flight. Other times, partners will be asked to forgive larger betrayals, such as verbal abuse or an affair. Whether for big or small hurts, forgiveness is essential for healthy relationship repair and sustainability. Forgiveness does not just benefit the relationship but the forgiver as well. Holding on…
Read MoreApologies and forgiveness are pivotal aspects of intimate relationships. Saying “I’m sorry” is not about admitting who is right or who is wrong but about acknowledging when a wrong is perceived and empathizing with feeling hurt. Efforts to apologize signify a desire to put your partner and your relationship ahead of yourself. Without an apology, some relationship problems will fester and risk devolving into resentment. Saying “I’m sorry” means something different to different people, and we vary…
Read MorePerhaps you’re a healthy eater and you’re in love with someone who orders extra sausage and pepperoni on his pizza. Or maybe you’re a neat freak who can’t stand it when your guy leaves piles of his stuff all over the house. What seems like no big deal at the beginning of a relationship can escalate into a deal-breaker once the honeymoon phase ends. Anne Brennan Malec, Ph.D., author of Marriage in Modern Life: Why It Works,…
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Being in an intimate relationship requires taking risks. There is no way around it – in order for your partner to know who you really are, you must be vulnerable. You have to reveal your soft spots, your weaknesses, and your authentic self in order to create a deep connection with your partner. Of course, to the extent that you get close enough to be vulnerable with another person, you get close enough for that person to…
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With romantic relationships, many people search for a partner that is different than the rest. Someone who just gets you, and someone who will love you unconditionally. People search for their soulmate. However, the way the term soulmate is used today differs greatly from where it originated, and partners can become significantly constrained from finding and maintaining a happy relationship if they search only for the classical “perfect” soulmate. In modern society, soulmate has developed nuance and…
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