The Rational Wisdom of the Serenity Prayer

By Andrew McNaughton, LCSW, CADC
Symmetry Counseling Chicago

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Understanding the Serenity Prayer

Most of us are familiar with the Serenity Prayer, if not memorized, then at least in a paraphrased form. We might recite it aloud as an affirmation for ourselves or together with others seeking mutual support. We may even say it to ourselves as part of our inner dialogue. The Serenity Prayer asks for the ability to recognize the difference between things in our lives over which we have direct control and those which we do not, and then act accordingly.

Applying the Prayer Beyond Spirituality

The Serenity Prayer is a powerful and enduring concept, central to Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-Step programs. It invites us to ask God or another Higher Power for serenity, courage, and wisdom to help maintain a balanced life. Although the prayer invokes God, we can all still benefit from its message even if we do not hold spiritual beliefs. The concept can be broadly applied to everyday life, not just to the treatment of Substance Use Disorders, and is greatly enhanced through learning and practicing Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.

The Role of REBT in Managing Control

REBT tells us we have control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions, but not those of others. Still, we frequently allow ourselves to get mad about the actions or inactions of other people, leading us to damn and/or dismiss them for not living up to our irrational expectations (“they must always listen to me, respect me, acknowledge my qualities and hard work, etc.”). It is natural to want to be heard, respected, and validated, but notice the distinction between “want” and “need.” A “want” is a preference, whereas a “need” implies a demand. We can strongly prefer fair and dignified treatment, but cannot demand it. Otherwise, we will experience frequent and significant emotional distress.

A Practical Example of REBT in Action

Consider this scenario: My boss at work yells at me in front of my colleagues for a mistake I made. I react by making myself feel ashamed, but also by making myself feel angry at my boss. You might tell yourself that your boss is a horrible person and that you must always be treated with respect. You may also feel that you cannot tolerate the shame, particularly in front of your colleagues.

There is, however, no rational evidence to suggest that I must always be treated with respect, nor is there any proof that feeling shame is intolerable, because I cannot control how my boss treats me or how colleagues view me. Your boss is not inherently a horrible person, even if their behavior feels hurtful. Similarly, feeling shame in front of colleagues may be disappointing, but it is not intolerable. By applying REBT, you can identify and challenge these irrational beliefs effectively.

Choosing Rational Responses

By following this model, I can learn to cope by acknowledging my preferences while accepting that I will survive if they are not always met. This opens opportunities to make rational decisions about how to react. I may choose to forgive and forget, seek social support, or plan to engage in healthy self-soothing. Additionally, identifying your own contribution to the situation and adjusting your behavior can reduce the likelihood of similar problems occurring in the future.

You might even decide to look for a new job if your preference for respectful treatment is not being met. By applying rational thinking, you can identify what is within your control and have the courage to act on it. I am using REBT to achieve what I am seeking through the Serenity Prayer.

Understanding Personal Responsibility

The Serenity Prayer encourages us to reflect on what we can truly influence in our lives. By focusing on our own thoughts, choices, and behaviors, we develop a sense of personal responsibility. This perspective reminds us that we cannot control other people or external events, but we can control how we respond. When we take ownership of our reactions, we reduce unnecessary stress and create a foundation for healthier decision-making.

Differentiating Preferences from Demands

A key lesson of the Serenity Prayer is learning the difference between preferences and demands. While we may strongly prefer fairness, respect, or recognition, treating these as demands often leads to frustration or disappointment. Recognizing that our expectations are preferences allows us to stay grounded and flexible, even when outcomes are not ideal. This approach fosters resilience and prevents emotional overreactions to circumstances beyond our control.

Applying Rational Reflection in Daily Life

Rational reflection helps translate the principles of the Serenity Prayer into practical action. When faced with a challenging situation, take a moment to analyze what is within your control and what is not. Then, choose a rational response rather than reacting impulsively. Whether it’s handling a workplace conflict, navigating a difficult conversation, or managing personal goals, this practice strengthens emotional regulation and encourages thoughtful, constructive behavior. Over time, integrating these principles into daily life builds confidence, inner peace, and a greater sense of balance.

Balancing Emotions Without Compromise

This is not to suggest we complicitly accept or ignore the negative actions of other people. Feeling annoyed or concerned is healthy and rational. Feeling angry or anxious is not. Remember, we are not in control of others, only ourselves, and are all capable of developing insight to know the difference. When we view the Serenity Prayer through a rational lens, its principles of serenity, courage, and wisdom become even more effective tools for recovery, therapy, and maintaining a balanced life.

You can learn more about recovery and REBT by contacting Symmetry Counseling Chicago.