The Case for Scheduling “Us Time”

By Maggie Reynolds, LCPC

Many therapists recommend that couples schedule regular check-ins and time together to talk through issues in the relationship. Sometimes it is merely a suggestion, and sometimes it is assigned homework stemming from relationship or marriage counseling sessions. The key is to set aside specific, concrete time rather than leaving it as a vague, open-ended plan. This scheduled period, called “us time,” differs from general “quality time” because its focus is on addressing challenges and talking openly about the relationship outside of therapy sessions.

Scheduling time to talk about relationship issues may sound like an obvious suggestion coming from a relationship and marriage therapist, yet the benefits of “us time” are not always directly spelled out. Some people might dislike the idea of scheduling “us time” because it feels formal and inorganic. However, “us time” is meant to help partners overcome the awkwardness of sharing thoughts and feelings without a counselor present. It provides a safe space to acknowledge and address reality, even when it’s uncomfortable, while nurturing the love that brought you together.

Here are just some of the benefits of scheduling regular “us time”:

• Communicate about how you are communicating: Do you or your partner sometimes speak with sarcasm, contempt, aloofness, a raised voice, or perhaps too seriously, or not seriously enough? “Us time” is a chance to talk about issues of tone, connotation, attitude and how to “fight fair” in a relationship, using the skills your marriage counselor teaches. It is about how, not just what is said. This is sometimes called meta-communication, and it can help enhance your ability to understand and be understood.
• Feedback can feed the relationship: A common complaint in many relationships is that partners focus on complaints without recognizing each other’s contributions and positive actions. “Us time” provides a good opportunity to acknowledge what is working and what helpful, kind or effective things the other person has done.  Also important is the chance to address what needs improvement in the relationship and work towards agreements and compromises that move the relationship forward outside of therapy sessions.
• Shelving the conflict temporarily: By scheduling regular times to discuss the relationship without a counselor present, couples can temporarily “shelve” issues to be revisited later. This allows you to attend to other things required in the moment, knowing that issues will not get swept under the carpet or ignored.  In addition to being free to focus on other required tasks of the day, while the issue is “on the shelf,” you both have time to process thoughts and emotions before having a deeper discussion. This strategy is especially helpful for individuals who tend to freeze up or become emotionally reactive, and it eliminates the need to wait for the next counseling session to address important matters.
• Forego the internal debate of timing: Have you ever struggled with deciding when to bring up bigger issues with your partner? Addressing serious topics in the middle of a conflict often leads to unnecessary escalation. However, following the advice of “wait until everyone is calm” can result in postponing important conversations. If you’re waiting for your partner to be in just the right mood to discuss the relationship or for your next therapy session with a counselor, you risk waiting too long. Scheduling regular “us time” and committing to it removes the guesswork, allowing couples to discuss significant matters calmly and proactively without relying on a counselor to mediate.
• Attain greater intimacy: Regularly scheduled “us time” can present the opportunity for deeper intimacy. Talking about the relationship, especially if done with an emphasis on eye contact, hand holding or cuddling, might lead to shared vulnerability and chemistry. Although the focus of “us time” should not necessarily be on physical intimacy, this can be an added benefit of the routine.  By addressing real issues rather than postponing them for the next counseling session or leaving them unspoken, “us time” can help rekindle feelings and reignite interest in your partner.

Making “Us Time” a Habit

There are many additional benefits to establishing a consistent schedule for “us time,” whether it occurs daily, weekly, or monthly. Developing this habit as a couple may not only heal but prevent misunderstandings and the threat of drifting apart. As long as respect and openness are present, couples can approach this as a safe and even sacred time to say what often goes unsaid without the prompting of a counselor during marriage counseling sessions.

Don’t feel like you need to wait for a licensed marriage counselor to prescribe this for homework during a therapy session; try out “us time” on your own. Experiment with it, and give it several tries. You and your partner may be exercising relational skills you haven’t used in a while.  Like physical exercise, it may take repetition and time to see the desired results, but it will be worth it. If you’d like support from a caring professional and relationship specialist, contact Symmetry Counseling to learn more about our relationship and marriage counseling services and schedule a consultation today.