Dysfunctional Family Roles Part 2: Are You a Scapegoat or A Hero?

Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC, EMDR Certified 

The Scapegoat

Aliases: “The Problem,” “The Bad One,” “The Crazy One”

The scapegoat is the person in the family who is obviously struggling. They might express unhealthy behaviors, such as participation in illegal activities or acting out in the classroom or at home. Family members might label them as “unstable” or a “rebel.” The scapegoat often receives extra attention within the family because they are seen as the one with the most pressing needs.

Like every family member, the scapegoat is affected by unhealthy family dynamics. On the outside, it often looks like scapegoats are causing stress in the family, but in fact scapegoats may be acting out or struggling emotionally because of preexisting family dysfunctions. Another aspect to consider is that scapegoats might create fixable problems in the family in order to distract from other family problems that are not as easily solved. For instance, a child with failing grades might receive tutoring or extra academic support. While this is a manageable problem, it can shift focus from more serious issues, such as ongoing patterns of abuse, neglect, or other toxic dynamics.

If you identify as a scapegoat, consider these strategies to adopt a healthier role within your family:

• Build a support system outside of your family unit. This support system might be better able to provide you with the support that you need.
• Participate in individual therapy in order to identify your needs and how your actions/emotions are impacted by and contributing to your family dynamics. Participating in family therapy can also help improve overall family relationships and address underlying issues.
• Set and maintain clear boundaries with your family to protect your needs while giving the family space to address deeper, unresolved issues.

The Hero

Aliases: “The Overachiever,” “The Successful One,” “The Good One”

The “hero” relies on success, perfectionism, or achievement to cope with dysfunctional family dynamics. Heroes might earn perfect grades, excel in sports, have successful careers, or become the model parent. Heroes rarely cause the family stress, as they are often seen as role models that other family members are encouraged to emulate. Yet, the success of the hero can cause a family to avoid addressing their core issues. For instance, when a child excels academically or professionally, it may create the illusion that the family is functioning well, even if underlying issues remain unresolved.

On the outside, the hero can appear highly functional. Yet, inside they often feel shameful, inadequate, and insecure. Heroes rarely feel accomplished and proud of themselves. Their accomplishments are not driven by healthy motivations or by a genuine passion to thrive, but are rather used in order to cope with their own insecurities and mask underlying toxic family dynamics. No amount of achievement can fully overcome deep-seated feelings of low self-esteem.

If you identify as a hero, consider these strategies to adopt a healthier role within your family:

• Get off the pedestal. Family members might place you on a pedestal, and this can negatively impact your relationships with other family members. For instance, you might be labeled “The Good One” while a sibling is called “The Screw-Up,” which can foster resentment or distance.
• Improve self-worth by addressing your shame. You deserve to experience self-worth regardless of your accomplishments.
• Engage in individual therapy to strengthen your self-worth and gain insight into how your family dynamics may have shaped your insecurities.

How Family Roles Shape Self-Perception

Family roles, like the scapegoat and the hero, often shape how individuals see themselves. Scapegoats may internalize blame, feeling they are always the “problem” in the household, while heroes might tie their self-worth to achievements and praise. Over time, these roles influence decision-making, relationships, and emotional health. Recognizing the patterns in your behavior and self-perception is the first step toward breaking free from unhealthy dynamics.

Coping Mechanisms That Can Backfire

Both scapegoats and heroes develop coping mechanisms that can seem effective but ultimately reinforce dysfunction. Scapegoats may act out or create “visible” problems to gain attention or release stress, while heroes may overachieve to maintain family approval. Although these strategies can provide temporary relief or recognition, they often mask deeper issues such as unresolved conflict, neglect, or emotional manipulation. Understanding these coping patterns helps individuals identify healthier alternatives.

Steps Toward Balanced Family Roles

Shifting away from rigid family roles requires intentional action. Start by exploring your personal needs and emotions outside the family context. Build support networks with friends, mentors, or counselors who can offer unbiased guidance. Set boundaries that protect your well-being without fueling guilt or conflict. Finally, engage in therapy, individual or family-focused, to address harmful patterns and foster authentic relationships. Over time, these steps allow both scapegoats and heroes to form identities rooted in self-awareness and personal growth rather than family-imposed labels.

Family therapy can help you identify and change dysfunctional family roles. At Symmetry Counseling, our licensed counselors specialize in family therapy in Chicago to address parent/child conflict and sibling conflict. Schedule your appointment today!

References

McClanahan, K. (2019, October 30). 5 Unhealthy Family Roles in an Addict’s Life. Retrieved from https://www.soberrecovery.com/recovery/traditional-roles-in-families-with-substance-abuse/

Schafler, K. The 6 family roles in addiction. [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.katherineschafler.com/blog/the-6-family-roles-in-addiction