Why Do I Still Think About My Ex?

Five questions to consider if your ex is living rent-free in your mind

Despite the fact that there is no official timeline when it comes to moving on from an ex, it is less than ideal when we can’t seem to shake the memory of this person. Thinking about a past partner or the relationship itself is expected and healthy, but can be exhausting when those memories or thoughts seem to be increasingly prevalent. To address this experience today, often we need to backtrack because in order to resolve an issue, we first have to understand what it is and where it’s coming from. To help you get started on that path, here are five questions to consider:

Have I Given Myself Time and Space to Sit with The Memories or Emotions Surrounding My Former Partner?

When thoughts arise sporadically, it can be easier to repress or dismiss them, without ever acknowledging the value of engaging with your emotions in that moment. Allowing yourself to sit in the emotion, discomfort, memories and other thoughts that arise surrounding this person may allow you to better name why they keep showing up.

Are There Unresolved Wounds Connected to This Person?

The concept of closure looks different to everyone and isn’t ever perfect. Sometimes closure is external. It looks like the opportunity to share your experience with the other person, tell them how you were impacted or what you are feeling now. However, closure and healing can also be an internal experience. What can you do for yourself to process and heal emotionally? What part of you needs to be heard, acknowledged and cared for? 

When do I Notice Myself Thinking About My Ex?

Is there a time or place that triggers their memory? Do I miss them more when I am alone or when I am out doing something fun with friends? When I think of them, do I actually miss them as a person or is their memory eliciting different emotions? Am I thinking about them or what they did for me and how they made me feel? Understanding when and why they are on your mind, and what emotions those thoughts bring up for you can be crucial. If there is something we miss about them or how they made us feel, can that be replicated outside of a partnership?

Am I Thinking About This Person Realistically or Imagining What Could Have Been?

While daydreaming is a nice escape from reality, it’s important to distinguish between real memories or traits and the idealized version of a former partner or relationship. It is expected to think about your ex when their favorite song comes on or you pass their old apartment. However, fantasizing about what your life could look like with them now can be a slippery slope. As humans, we tend to reflect with rose-colored glasses. Don’t let yourself remember only the positives and set aside the memories of what wasn’t working. 

Do I Want to Stop Thinking About Them?

As much as we may truly want to move on, it can also be scary. Perhaps holding onto these memories feels like a way to stay connected to the person or your former relationship. What would it be like to not think about this person anymore? Are there ways that it could feel scary, sad, or challenging to fully let go of the past? If there is a part of us that does not want to move on, even a small part, it might be showing up and inhibiting our path forward more than we think. Challenge yourself to understand what moving on or no longer thinking about this person would really mean.