Why Do I Still Think About My Ex – Breakup Grief

What is Breakup Grief?

There is no blueprint for how long, what steps are required, or how you should feel when a relationship ends. Breakup grief is the deep-seated pain and sense of loss felt after the end of a relationship. When you are grieving a relationship, you are not just mourning the loss of your significant other, but also the hopes, dreams, goals, and plans you had with that significant other. Following a breakup, you have to navigate through the stages of grief which are similar to the stages when healing from the death of a loved one. There is no timeline for the stages of grief after a breakup. Everyone’s journey is special. Some may find themselves moving through the stages quickly, while others may take longer acknowledging and feeling their emotions.

Denial

The denial stage is when you have difficulty acknowledging the end of the relationship. Denial can be a defense mechanism to assist you by numbing the intensity of the situation. In the initial days following a breakup, you live in false hope that things will go back to the way they were, pausing your ability to move forward. Getting comfortable in the denial stage holds you back from healing from the breakup.

Anger

In the anger stage, you are no longer living in denial that the relationship is over. You may be angry at your ex, yourself, or angry for a multitude of reasons. Whether it be a single reason for why you’re angry or several reasons, it is important to acknowledge the anger, feel it, and not act on it. Acknowledging and feeling the anger is a crucial step to healing from the breakup.

Bargaining

During the bargaining stage, you try to rewrite history by fixing or changing what has happened. You may see yourself ruminating over what you could have done differently or reaching out to your ex. When experiencing a breakup you lose a sense of control and with bargaining, you try to regain that control by making “what if” and “if only” statements.

Depression

After bargaining, you may start feeling hopeless or worthless, entering you in the depression stage. This stage is the most difficult stage in breakup grief. Breakups are strenuous and can be disruptive to all facets of your life. During this stage, you may self-isolate, find changes in appetite and sleep patterns, and be more irritable. At times it may feel like this stage will last forever, but it won’t. There is no stage in grief that lasts forever. You may bounce from one stage to the next and go back to a stage you already experienced.

Acceptance

After confronting all of the stages (and sometimes more than once) you settle within the final stage of acceptance. During the final stage, you welcome the idea that things have changed and that the relationship you felt deep affection for is no longer a part of your life. Once you have accepted the relationship as a part of your past, you can start to focus on your individual healing. In this stage, you start to rebuild your life without this person. 

Why Am I Still Thinking of My Ex?

Healing can take time following a breakup. If you are still thinking about your ex, you may still be grieving them and/or the relationship. It is salient that following a breakup you feel your feelings. If you avoid, distract, and suppress yourself from the feelings associated with loss, it will only prolong your grief process. In the course of a breakup you not only lose the individual but there is a total disruption in life. For example, friend groups may be impacted, plans are disrupted, and trust is questioned. Give yourself grace and patience as you create new routines and habits. Losing a partner does not mean you are alone. Take this opportunity to nourish your relationships with your friends or family. If you are noticing yourself struggling throughout the stages of grief, reach out to loved ones or seek out professional help from a mental health professional.

How Can Therapy Help Me Through a Breakup?

Talking to a mental health professional can be helpful in navigating your emotions through the stages of grief. During therapy, you and the clinician can unpack the struggles in your past relationship and set goals for making sure you are taking care of yourself during this sensitive time. Additionally, a mental health professional can help you explore unhealthy relationship patterns, healthy communication styles, values, and needs so you can enter a new relationship healed and prepared.