Is Forgiveness Necessary for Trauma Recovery? Part 1

Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC, EMDR Certified Therapist 

“Forgiveness is for you, not the other person”

“Don’t let someone rent space in your head.”

“You need to forgive so that you can move on.”

“You’ve likely heard popular sayings like, ‘Forgive for your own sake’ or ‘Don’t let someone rent space in your head.’ Do you believe them? When it comes to recovering from trauma, perhaps you shouldn’t.

Forgiveness is potentially problematic when incorporated into trauma treatment. It’s been said that forgiveness can help survivors to “move on” or “let go” of the pain of their past. Some even insist that recovery is impossible without forgiveness. However, research shows no evidence that forgiveness is required for healing from trauma.

After more than a decade as a trauma psychotherapist, I’ve witnessed the benefits of forgiveness for many of my clients. However, I do not believe that forgiveness is required in order to recover from trauma, as I’ve treated many trauma survivors who’ve experienced recovery without forgiving their abusers. In fact, pressuring someone to forgive can sometimes hinder their progress and create unnecessary obstacles on the path to healing.

Here are reasons why forgiveness should not be imposed in the process of trauma recovery.

Forgiveness diminishes harms and wrongs, which inhibits safety

Imagine you are told that you must forgive someone who has harmed you. It does not matter what the situation was or its impact on you; you must forgive them. When you seek social support, you are being told things such as, “that was years ago, let it go,” and “you shouldn’t feel angry, move on.” Such messages often show a lack of understanding and empathy, and can make you feel that your emotions, perceptions, and experiences are invalid. They may imply that your pain or well-justified anger is simply less important than your ability to forgive your abuser.

Acceptance is an important ingredient to fostering and maintaining safety for trauma survivors, and safety is required in order to recover and process trauma. When survivors’ lived experiences are dismissed or invalidated, it can lead to environments and relationships that hinder healing and make it difficult to truly ‘move on.’

Forgiveness focuses on the abuser instead of the survivor

“Forgiveness is for you, not the other person,” is a popular, well-intended saying.  However, such a cliché doesn’t translate well to trauma recovery, as forgiveness focuses on the relationship that the survivor has with their abuser.  In contrast, trauma recovery ought to focus on the survivor’s relationship with themself. Therapy is tailored to each survivor’s unique needs and internal processes. If a survivor maintains any connection with their abuser, it is addressed from the survivor’s perspective, prioritizing their safety, boundaries, and healing.

Some survivors may benefit from forgiving their abusers, but others either may not derive such a benefit from forgiveness. Some may in fact feel the need to withhold forgiveness, and both kinds of attitudes need to be received with equal respect and empathy. Moralistic attitudes are not only counter-therapeutic, they often shift focus to the abuser, implying that the survivor is responsible for correcting a past wrong. In some cases, they even suggest that refusing to forgive is itself a fault, thus shifting attention and blame away from the real wrong that was the perpetration of the trauma itself.

The Pressure to Forgive Can Hinder Healing

Trauma survivors often face subtle pressure to forgive, whether from well-meaning friends, family, or societal expectations. This pressure can make survivors feel rushed, misunderstood, or judged for their emotions. Healing on your own timeline is essential; there is no universal requirement to forgive. Allowing yourself to process trauma without external pressure creates space for authentic recovery.

Self-Compassion Over Obligation

Focusing on self-compassion empowers survivors to validate their own experiences instead of prioritizing the needs of the abuser. Practicing self-compassion can include setting boundaries, acknowledging emotions, and nurturing personal growth. By centering the survivor’s well-being, therapy can guide individuals toward resilience and inner strength, regardless of whether forgiveness occurs.

Redefining Recovery Beyond Forgiveness

Recovery is not a linear path and doesn’t hinge on forgiving someone who caused harm. Instead, it involves understanding personal triggers, building healthy coping mechanisms, and cultivating supportive relationships. Survivors can reclaim autonomy and a sense of safety without feeling obligated to extend forgiveness, demonstrating that healing is ultimately about reclaiming one’s life, not reconciling with the abuser.

These are just a few reasons why forgiveness isn’t required for trauma recovery. In Part 2, we’ll explore additional insights and considerations to help survivors navigate healing on their own terms.

Symmetry Counseling offers trauma-informed therapy for individuals, families, and couples. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and take the next step in your healing journey.

Bakari, R (2020) Forgiveness is the wrong response to trauma. Medium. Blog post retrieved from https://medium.com/illumination/forgiveness-is-the-wrong-response-to-trauma-37a002774ade