Why is it Important to Say I’m Sorry?

We at Symmetry Counseling believe that knowing how to say “I’m sorry” in a relationship is an incredibly powerful tool. But this tool is not an easy one. To some people, it comes naturally, but to others, it can be very difficult. Even for those whom it comes naturally, are they apologizing in the appropriate way? Let’s explore this together. If you find this difficult or want support with other aspects of your relationship, contact us today to schedule a session with one of our licensed counselors.

Recognizing the Need for an Apology

Let’s start off with a couple of discussion questions that may help you analyze whether you owe someone with whom you have a relationship an apology. Did you potentially say something hurtful to someone, and was it on purpose or an accident? Do you feel like you’ve been neglecting someone? Is there something you said or did that you now regret? Has a particular situation been weighing on your mind?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, a meaningful apology may be crucial for a healthy relationship to continue. Why is it so important? A sincere apology can help resolve both minor and major conflicts. It demonstrates to the other person that you care, have reflected on your actions, and are prioritizing the relationship.

Overcoming Ego for Stronger Relationships

Sometimes we convince ourselves that apologizing means we are letting the other person win or admitting defeat. In reality, it does the opposite. A sincere apology shows that both of you can understand and care for each other. You are able to work together as a team for the benefit of the relationship rather than focusing on your sole need and desire at that moment. We also sometimes think we will not be forgiven or understood if we apologize, so there is no point. This is also far from the truth. Although we cannot control whether someone chooses to accept our apology, there is a point.

By avoiding an apology, you deny the other person the opportunity to decide whether they can forgive you and move forward. You’re not making room for a conversation that can end up benefiting you and the other person, both individually and relationally. I know that these conversations are hard. They are sometimes even shameful. That difficulty, shame, or guilt that creeps in is exactly what should signal to us that an apology needs to happen.

Apologies Build Trust

Saying “I’m sorry” plays a vital role in establishing and maintaining trust in relationships. A genuine apology demonstrates that you acknowledge your actions and their impact on others. When someone sees that you are willing to admit mistakes, it reassures them that you value honesty and transparency, which strengthens the foundation of any relationship.

Reduces Emotional Tension

Holding back an apology can lead to unresolved tension, resentment, and miscommunication. By apologizing, you create an opportunity to release negative emotions and open the door for understanding. This helps prevent minor disagreements from escalating into long-term conflicts and fosters a calmer, more supportive environment.

Encourages Personal Growth

Apologizing is not just about repairing a relationship; it also encourages self-reflection and personal growth. Taking responsibility for your actions helps you recognize patterns in your behavior, learn from mistakes, and make better choices in the future. Over time, this can lead to stronger emotional intelligence and more meaningful connections.

Strengthens Emotional Connection

A heartfelt apology signals empathy and compassion. It shows that you care about the other person’s feelings and are willing to make amends. This vulnerability encourages reciprocity, allowing both parties to feel seen, heard, and valued. Over time, consistent apologies can deepen trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Saying “I’m sorry” is more than a simple phrase, it’s a powerful tool that nurtures trust, understanding, and connection. Using it thoughtfully can transform relationships and help them thrive.

The Key Elements of a Sincere Apology

How can you ensure an apology is truly meaningful? It goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” As Harriet Lerner explains, a strong apology “is when we take clear and direct responsibility without a hint of evasion, blaming, obfuscation, or excuse-making, and without bringing up the other person’s crime sheet.” This approach matters because it demonstrates that you are taking full accountability for your actions and their impact on the other person’s feelings.

Show them that you have awareness of what you did, have taken responsibility for how you have behaved, and are acknowledging the impact this has had on the other person (even if they have hurt you, too). When you apologize in this way, you leave room for that person to hear you and feel heard. It also gives them the opportunity to accept your apology and, if appropriate, acknowledge their own role in the situation.

If you apologize while blaming or making excuses, the other person is likely to become defensive, which can escalate the conflict. There is power in doing this because there is power in being vulnerable. Apologies are a crucial step in good, healthy, and strong communication, which in turn reflects a strong, healthy relationship. If that is your goal, then understand the impact and power that a meaningful apology carries. If you want guidance on crafting thoughtful apologies or need professional couples counseling, contact Symmetry Counseling today to be paired with a licensed therapist.