The Sneaky Way Your Own Words Keep You Stuck

Steven Topper, LCPC

My depression is too bad to leave the house.
This anxiety is crippling me.
Every time you do that I get overcome with anger and lash out.
I can’t handle this.

Each of these statements has something in common. They’ve likely been said, in some form, by many people, especially those carrying real pain in their lives. And each one shares a particular quality in how we talk about our experiences: metaphor. This is a linguistic tool humans developed to increase understanding, and it’s an incredibly useful one. But metaphors have a dark side too. They can trap us, turning into some of the most convincing metaphors for being trapped that we use without even noticing.

Why Metaphors Have This Kind of Power

We use metaphors constantly, from how we describe our past (“I was the golden child”) to past relationships (“It was a trainwreck”) to our work (“I’m drowning”). They help us convey meaning to each other and often lead to understanding and empathy. The problem isn’t the metaphors themselves. It’s that we can adhere to them so strictly that they cloud our understanding of our lives and our options. Used rigidly, this kind of language can blind us to what’s actually possible.

Part of what makes this possible is a basic feature of human language. We’re able to connect any word to any other word, relating things to each other even when there’s no natural or physical connection between them. This capacity, sometimes called arbitrarily applicable relational responding in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is part of what separates human language from animal communication. It’s why a simple prompt like “Not up, but ___” or “The moon is ___ than the Earth” is easy for your mind to complete. We’re constantly relating words to each other, filling in opposites, comparisons, and connections almost automatically.

This same relational ability is what gives metaphors their pull. When I say “I’m drowning,” I’m relating my experience of stress to the physical experience of drowning, borrowing all the urgency and danger of one to describe the other. That relational power is usually helpful. It’s also exactly what can trap us, since the metaphor starts to feel like the literal truth of the situation rather than one possible way of describing it.

How the Trap Actually Works

Looking more closely at the four statements above, each one could work to trap us out of living the life we want. In the first, I’m describing an experience, depression and bipolar disorder therapy often addresses, as too severe to leave the house. Many of us have felt this way: so sad and empty that there’s no motivation to leave the house. But that framing doesn’t leave room for the fact that I can, in fact, physically open the front door and leave. The metaphor limits my understanding of my own strength and ability.

With all four statements, metaphor is being used to block action. That’s the trap. I may genuinely feel sadness and emptiness. Anxiety counseling often deals with exactly this: thoughts that repeat themselves until they feel less like thoughts and more like facts. Anger may spike in intensity, pushing me to act a certain way. And that last one, “I can’t handle this,” is particularly tricky. It uses the metaphor of “handling” something, as though a feeling were a physical object I might drop or fail to grip, to shield me from recognizing my own capacity. No thought is fatal. No emotion destroys a person. Emotions and thoughts are transient. They shift and change like clouds in the sky.

This pattern shows up in smaller, everyday language too, not just in moments of crisis. “I’m stuck,” “I’m boxed in,” “I hit a wall,” these are all metaphors for being trapped that quietly narrow what feels available to us. Once the metaphor takes hold, it can start dictating what we believe we’re capable of, rather than simply describing how something feels in the moment.

Common Questions

What does it mean to feel “trapped” by your own thoughts?

It generally means a thought or pattern of thinking has started to feel like an unquestionable fact rather than one interpretation of a situation. Metaphors like “I’m drowning” or “I can’t handle this” can create this effect, making a feeling seem permanent or absolute even though feelings and thoughts naturally shift over time.

What is cognitive defusion?

Cognitive defusion is a technique from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that helps create distance between a person and their thoughts. Instead of treating a thought as literal truth, defusion involves recognizing it as simply a thought, which opens up more flexibility in how to respond to it.

Can changing how I talk to myself actually change how I feel?

Language shapes how we relate to our own experiences, so the way a feeling gets described can influence how stuck or manageable it seems. This doesn’t mean feelings can be talked away entirely, but shifting rigid, absolute language can create more room to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically.

Getting Out: Cognitive Defusion

One helpful tool for working with this kind of thinking is called cognitive defusion, a technique that comes out of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Defusion means recognizing that those four statements are thoughts, not facts. “I’m having the thought that my depression is too bad to leave the house” carries a meaningfully different weight than the original statement.

The shift is subtle but significant. Saying “I can’t handle this” puts the thought and the person entirely on the same level, as though there’s no space between the two. Saying “I’m having the thought that I can’t handle this” creates a small but real gap. In that gap is where choice becomes possible again.

There’s always an opportunity to defuse from a thought, especially one that’s using metaphor to trap you. Defusion loosens the grip of the rules these metaphors seem to demand you follow. From there, it becomes possible to respond in a more flexible, values-driven way. With practice, the metaphors stop getting in the way as often, even if they don’t disappear completely. The goal isn’t to never think these thoughts again. It’s to notice them as thoughts, rather than as instructions.

When It Might Help to Talk to Someone

If you’ve noticed yourself feeling stuck on certain thoughts that seem to be steering your actions, it may be worth exploring this with a therapist. Understanding the language traps that keep you stuck is often easier with support, and a therapist trained in approaches like ACT can help you build the skill of defusion in a way that fits your specific situation.

The most important step is to get matched to the right therapist or counselor for your situation. This is what makes Symmetry the trusted choice.

Book a 20-Minute Complimentary Consultation, or call us at +1-888-661-2742 if you’d rather talk it through by phone first.