Is Dating App Rejection Causing You Depression and Anxiety?

Steven Losardo, LMFT 

Similar to the anxiety that you may experience after posting a selfie on social media, putting yourself out there on dating apps can also be nerve-wracking. At times, using a dating app may lead to few matches and result in feelings of rejection. 

Dating apps such as Bumble, Plenty of Fish, and Tinder are popular with millennials and have sparked many healthy relationships. However, this isn’t always the case. Remember, when using a dating app it is common to be “rejected” and also to “reject” other potential matches. 

Experiencing rejection on dating apps can leave you feeling worthless or unattractive, or make you question what went wrong. When you experience rejection or failed connections repeatedly, it can lead to feelings of depression. 

How to change your perspective about rejection and cope with depressed feelings: 

1) You are not alone in facing rejection: It may seem as if everyone is finding some success from dating apps, but that isn’t true for many. According to the Pew Research Center’s 2019 data on dating app usage, only 12% of U.S. users said they had found a long-term relationship or marriage from a dating app (Anderson, et. al 2020). When you do the math, that means 88% of dating app users have faced a fair amount of rejection during the process. 

2) Remember that you are more than your dating profile: Your dating profile represents only a fraction of who you are. Some of the greatest parts of you are absent from your profile—these aspects of you can only be seen from meeting you, not from the few pictures you post on your profile along with some of your hobbies, likes, and dislikes. Some people may be experts at fine-tuning their profiles to really show the essence of who they are, but that can be difficult to achieve. Just remember, your online dating profile cannot fully capture you as a person. 

3)    Build your self-esteem: There are many upsides to dating apps, but the truth is, rejection happens, and it hurts. Experiencing rejection does not mean you are undesirable. Keep your head up. If you are feeling unconfident, or tend to be hard on yourself, there are ways to improve that. Seeing a therapist can help you with building self-esteem; and books on self-esteem and self-compassion can also be useful (Shulman, 2019). 

4)    It’s not you, it’s the app: Due to the large pool of dating app users, there are many chances for rejection as well as connection. You’re more likely to send more messages or swipe right to people online than you would approach someone to flirt with in-person. Research demonstrates that people act differently online, which could explain behavior such as “bread-crumbing,” when someone keeps you on the back burner in case they don’t find a better match (Ducharme, 2018). Also common is “ghosting,” which occurs when a person stops talking to you with no explanation (Ducharme, 2018). The harshness of ghosting can make you feel depressed and frustrated. 

5)    Reduce your negative self-talk: Perhaps the best way of dealing with feelings of depression from dating app rejection is through reducing negative self-talk. The term refers to your inner critic telling you things such as you’re not good enough or attractive enough. Reduce negative self-talk by “catching your critic” (Scott, 2020).  Learn to be aware of your inner critic; when irrational thoughts happen replace them with something positive about yourself. 

The bottom line:

Changing your perspective on dating app rejection can improve your mood and boost your self-esteem. Navigating the dating app world is not an easy task and may not ultimately lead you to a meaningful connection, but it’s worth a try. If you are feeling that rejection is getting to you and you are unable to cope, seeing a therapist is a good option. Rejection is hard to deal with, but remember it is not always personal, and there is someone out there for you.

References

Anderson, M., Vogels, E. A., & Turner, E. (2020). The virtues and downsides of online dating.

Pew Research Center report. Retrieved from

https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online

dating/  May, 11, 2021.

Shulman, L. (2019). 8 powerful books to help you overcome fear of rejection.  Retrieved from

https://leighshulman.com/fear-of-rejection-2/ on May 11, 2021.

Ducharme, J. (2018). How to Use Dating Apps Without Hurting Your Mental Health, According

to Experts.  Retrieved from https://time.com/5356756/dating-apps-mental-health/ on May

11, 2021.

Scott, E. (2020). The Toxic Effects of Negative Self-Talk. Retrieved from

https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-self-talk-and-how-it-affects-us-4161304 6

on May11, 2021.