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We all know children who are very impulsive. They’re the ones who throw a tantrum at the grocery store because their moms wouldn’t buy them candy. They’re the kids at the playground who nobody plays with because they’re so quick to hit or shout at other children. Impulsive children act on their emotions, regardless of the appropriateness of their actions, leading many to label them as lacking self control. Learning how to show excitement, joy, anger, frustration,…
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Most of us understand that empathy, or the ability to connect with someone through feeling with them, is an important part of a good romantic relationship. Even though we know this, time and time again we all fall short when it comes to being empathic with our partner. We get critical when we should be nonjudgmental or take something personally when we should simply be open and accepting. We turn away from our partner’s emotion rather than…
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We recently discussed ways to identify whether or not you are defensive in your relationship with your romantic partner. If you saw yourself in some of those descriptions and recognize that you are consistently being defensive with your partner, what are some steps you can take toward shifting that behavior into something more productive? A first important step, beyond employing practical strategies, is to understand why you are being defensive in the first place. Often, a maneuver…
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We have mentioned the work of Dr. John Gottman before on the Symmetry Counseling blog. Dr. Gottman has extensively researched what makes some romantic relationships happy and lasting and others miserable and doomed to end, and he has identified four behaviors that can actually predict the demise of a relationship. If they occur often enough, criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness can erode a relationship so much that it ends. Today, let’s discuss defensiveness and how to identify…
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We do a lot of talking this time of year about resolutions and committing to making changes in our lives. While you might have some specific goals for yourself for the new year, like starting a yoga class or watching one less hour of television a night, perhaps you just have a loosely defined sense that something needs to change, but you are not exactly sure what. You are in a funk – not necessarily depressed but…
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Are you planning on making a list of New Years resolutions for 2014? More importantly, do you make these lists and then consistently drop the ball and not follow through? If so, think about the overall effect of making resolutions and not sticking to them. What does it make you think and feel about yourself? Most likely, you end up only feeling guilty and perhaps even slightly ashamed that, yet again, you could not reach your goals.…
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Dating is not always easy, and a new relationship can be both intoxicating and challenging. You and your new partner are constantly revealing aspects of who you are to one another as you get to know each other. Although this newness is thrilling, this exchange can touch some of our most vulnerable parts – and being vulnerable can put us in a difficult position. We can choose to either revel in this emotional and psychological risk taking,…
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Family gatherings can be a challenge for many people, and during the holidays, many of us are preparing for a family get-together soon. Do you find yourself worrying about an upcoming family gathering? Have these events gone badly for you in the past? Maybe you fear the judgment of one overly harsh and critical family member who always manages to make you feel inadequate. Any number of difficult emotions can be triggered when we are around our…
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Giving end of year bonuses is a very common practice among employers, and bosses often determine employee bonus distributions based upon financial and non-financial measures. End of year performance reviews and hoped-for bonuses are a frequent topic of conversation this time of year. Taking a cue from business, today I want you to think about whether or not you have earned a life bonus this year; that is, whether you have lived up to your own standards,…
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For some of us, the holidays are a time of beauty, wonder, and time with our loving families. For others, it can be one of the most stressful times of the year. And traveling during the holidays is among the most stressful parts of the holidays. With strained finances, long lines and cancelled flights at the airports, dysfunctional families, and being off schedule, the holidays are enough to drive anyone a little nutty. And if you add…
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